A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
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[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
found a horse’s reddit account
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor