A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
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One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Double negatives are never not confusing.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.