Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
You Might Also Like
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
scientifically speaking, how long do you plan to be this stupid?
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.