Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .

*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.

Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food

[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket

A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.

My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.

If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

i was made for a simpler time. when people made their own clothes. and politely died of syphilis.

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.

Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide

“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”

My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!

And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.