Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
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A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021