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Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Everyone’s family
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”