*shrugs*
*swipes right*
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…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
#Caturday
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many