My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
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Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Name another movie that mislead you?
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”