All set.
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[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
The key to a successful marriage is never go to bed married
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”
Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?