Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
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To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night