I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
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9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
My birthstone is kidney
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.