Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere

It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.

Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing

haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”

I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa

If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands

To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.

What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed

So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …

me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.

Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁

my lawyer: deny everything

me: no

The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile

One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.

You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

[First Date]

No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.

[Second Date]

*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*

My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag

My left hand: imma pet this doggie

How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?

Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.