Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄

The cats activated the rainbow portal again

I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.

Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.

There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.

The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶

Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable

If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions.

“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.

I really want a family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.

My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.

[cat adoption agency]

Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*

Me: What the hell?

Counselor: You’re not ready