Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*

Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit

Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”

Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.

So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.

For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.

People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.

White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.

Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts

ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this

Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain

Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

Me: did you find the problem?

Plumber: toilet goblin.

Me: a what?

Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.