[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
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Whoops
I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
