Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.

This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister

[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty

China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.

me: I need to get this framed

optometrist: just say you need glasses

i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook

spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability

me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met

her:

me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape

[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.

Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”

[school of hard knocks]

TEACHER: you’re late

ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked

TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn

11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

🥲

You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

They say the camera adds 10 lbs.

Looks like fast food added the other 40.

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing

Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act

Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.

Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.

Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!

I’m not a regular Mom.

I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.