It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
You Might Also Like
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
thoughts?
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”