If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
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Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
no their not
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
ah yes….my favourite videogame
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.