Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wishing you and yours all the best

It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…

Satan: *nodding*

Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?

Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??

Me: (through tears) so creative

Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.

Her: What?!? Children? Since when?

Me: Since I’m getting audited today.

(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.

So now we know her plans after I die.

“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger

MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP

2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank

1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing

[me holding a door]

PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.

ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.

why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.

I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”

I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything

“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see

Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea

Patient: what? I don’t understand

Me (starts slow clap)

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.

ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so