“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
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Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
marvel comics have peaked
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.