Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
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Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
The future is now.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.