*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
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Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
My new favorite headline
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*