Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
You Might Also Like
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.
Phones down.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.