Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready

HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes

Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”

Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”

Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.

Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.

I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )

[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.

Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

Investing in beetcoin

*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”

Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.