Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

based al yankovic

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular

Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?

Interviewer: “…”

Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”

me: *vacuums up ant*

ant: oh no

me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*

ant: oh wait

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.

[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.

Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this

Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.

Places I won’t be going in 2025:

Above and beyond
Out of my way

“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”

-the first hipster

Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?

I made some fish tacos today…

But they just ignored them and swam away…

Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”

I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.

I’d like to schedule a disappointment.

As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.

Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”

Me: nah

Husb: you could create your own cult

Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god

Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right

I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.

HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*

The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.

Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?

Are you even trying to keep him alive?