Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”

—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson

“shake what ya momma gave ya!”

*starts shaking low self-esteem*

Shit: bowel movement

Sh t: vowel movement
i

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough

The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me

Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked

No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled

My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?

psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything

Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?

I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.

The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!

It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency

The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.

[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.

*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!

Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers

{1st day as a correctional therapist}

Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-

Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*

Me: OF YOUR MIND

Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*