I can also cook 😂
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23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
ugh not again
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.