I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Do u think the white fluid in the robots on Alien is battery fluid or milk. I’ve been calling it robot milk but no one likes when I say that
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
