My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
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[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
The dark side of Canada
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.