Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
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dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Awwwww shit.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?
Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman