The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
You Might Also Like
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.