My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
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I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
sliding into dms like
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.