bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
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grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
guys i’ve cracked the code
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Time heals everything 🙂
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.