I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
You Might Also Like
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
When I face a minor setback
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind