Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.

Him: you know, a baby deliverer…

Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?

I’ll eat when I’m dead

– zombies

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there

Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.

I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.

A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.

It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?

Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.

Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.

Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job

Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky

Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.

Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

“How do you sleep at night!”

Usually on my side facing the door.

18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.

Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me

Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.

Me: No, cakes are expensive.

Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!

I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.

Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?

A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?