Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.

“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.

When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS

If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.

Her: “Your funny”

Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.

Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.

*beach*

Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!

Me: I guess that makes you a liar.

Lifeguard: Excuse me?!

Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville

“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir

Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.