Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street

[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A NAP!!

THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.

A Story in Three Acts

I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.

II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.

***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***

III. Noooooooooooooooo

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.

Word find for ghosts:

O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o

“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink

WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it

welp

Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”

Kid: Everything poops?

Me: Kinda

K: Trees don’t poop

M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen

K: So we’re breathing tree poop?

M:

K:

M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name

*slams table

WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’

Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover

Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over

As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*

Noah: nope.

PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?

Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car

Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car

Cops: oh well that’s different

Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.

I am a(n):

⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
 
seeking:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries

Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel