Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys

Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.

Husband: so are we self isolating now?

Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!

Okey dokey.

noah: two of every single species on earth

god: yes

noah: and a boat to fit them all

god: yes

noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time

god: yes

noah: and all my friends are going to die

god: yes

noah: but like the world will be good after that right

god: i mean

Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.

Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…

Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…

Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer

Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.

“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”

Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?

THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!

DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord

DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?

DV: fire!

[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.

I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.

Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?

Why can’t mirrors be nicer

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH

Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.

He a real one for that

Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work