Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.

It says: STOP

You don’t need to study the dammed thing.

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral

An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.

Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.

[middle of a heated argument]

Him: I’m leaving you

Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

Make it RAAAAIN!!

ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”

Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.

5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

Me: It’s time to take a bath.

6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!

Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.

6: For my whole life?

Me: Yes

6: What!? Uggggghhhhh

“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“

Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?

THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?

ME: ew, why you so jelly?

COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good

Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.

He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.

Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.