ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
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Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?