*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
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[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
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I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Good lord
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Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
mood
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I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.