I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
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The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I’m having an out of money experience.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.