Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp

Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?

Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.

My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps

I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.

*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*

I hope google does well on my son’s test

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by

my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

[Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*

Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”

I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.

OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut

When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.

*eats it

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide

Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit