Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New Year, New Me

New Me [looking around]: absolutely not

Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE

*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB

(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

“How can I improve my cooking skills?”

Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone

Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]

Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses

Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did

whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.

All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.

*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea

One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao

When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.

Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?

4: They both rhyme, daddy!

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha

A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.

Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.

When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again

The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.

Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*

Spider: noooooooooo

Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.

[Star Wars Episode VII scene]

Princess Leia: I love you Han.

Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*

based al yankovic