Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted

ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up

What do best men at weddings in France do?

Making French toasts!

#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes

mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.

And whats Beth short for? he asked.

Because shes only three. I answered.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.

Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.

Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market

Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car

Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.

An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.

if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this

What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.

“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”

– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill

– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!

Good day meowlady

* tips cat

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣