Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
You Might Also Like
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
found a horse’s reddit account
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot