Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?

My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.

[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?

Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.

Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter

Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is

Boss: …

Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.

We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.

I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

First I was a pebble..

*has hiccups for 30 seconds*

MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT

Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

[Speed dating]

Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!

Breaking news:

He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.

Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard

Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor

Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?

Me: Yes, I do.

Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?

Me: I’m not sure.

Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…

Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’

6 weeks. lol.

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.