jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
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“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
What.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
good work, detective
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me