Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
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Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Breaking news:
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.