I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
You Might Also Like
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice